| numb. |
[28 Sep 2009|02:13am] |
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i feel utterly alone, utterly defeated. where do i go from here? i'm really not living at all anymore. no friends. no life. no occupation. i waste the hours, minutes, seconds. sigh. i've got no plan. i hate seeing fam i haven't seen in ages. i hate the inevitable 'what are you doing now? where are you working?'... i plan to avoid all familial engagements this holiday season. we'll see how that works out. i haven't heard from D in a long time. over 3 weeks now. i think he's off the grid, packing things up and getting ready to return to cali. sigh. i don't have high hopes of seeing him when he gets back. i don't know wot this means for our supposed relationship. all i know is that i miss him terribly and somehow feel like i should be preparing myself to let him go. though i really don't want to. if he broke it off with me, i wouldn't be surprised. who wants to date such a loser? esplly one who hates herself so much. i am more dead than alive.
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[21 Jun 2009|03:46am] |
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i am so alone. and so over seeking succor in the apathetic masses.
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| either way, i'll break your heart someday... |
[27 May 2009|02:02am] |
isolation to decay
whispered static delay
how human can i be?
to fuck it all up for just me.
guilty conscience to subdue.
the teeming masses, multitude.
lone soul in a crowd
could never scream that loud
to comprehend this lonely emotion
inundation of the singular devotion
ocean tides ebb and wane
default, decay, replicate
all is lost, but nothing gained.
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[02 May 2009|03:26am] |
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i keep having recurring nightmares of a house... it's no house i've ever lived in... but every time i have a bad dream, it takes place in this house... this last nightmare involved trying to get away from this abusive man... it was somewhat bloody and mostly frightening... i think the abusive man represented my dad... and i think my sis and bro were there... :S hopefully i won't have any more dreams of this nature...
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[02 May 2009|02:02am] |
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i am so alone. yet again. you'd think i'd be used to this. but i'm not. and it hurts. i try to reach out. but it always falls flat on it's face. i'm gonna need help soon. i just hope my insurance kicks in again. sigh. i am so alone in this world. something i need to accept. and move on with my life.
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[21 Apr 2009|11:48pm] |
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i miss him so much i could tear my heart out of my chest and still not feel so achingly bad... :(
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| no life, no love. |
[25 Oct 2008|10:47am] |
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two years now. and i still can't believe it. have i moved on? are my coping skills this horrible? or am i just this depressed? all of the above, i guess. all of these tears. are they wasted on me? feels like everything is wasted. on me. i always amaze myself with the depths i can reach. how many lows i can surpass. it's like my superpower. how much i fuck my own life up. i guess it's the human thing to do. i can barely get out of bed these days.
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| am i this weak? |
[07 Oct 2008|05:10pm] |
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-sigh- messed everything up. continuing to do so. maybe i just want to crawl back to hawaii, be it on my hands and knees or otherwise.. :( i have a sick feeling in my stomach and i don't want to walk into the room of judgment. but i know i shall have to. take care of this, or not. it's up to me. and i'm failing colossally. i feel horrible. feel like i left off an atomic bomb,and left others to deal with the aftershocks. i have let reality for the time being. if you need me, i'll be teetering on the brink of oblivion. :S
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[05 Aug 2008|01:15am] |
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i have a sick feeling of dread in my tummy. a week left! no more spinning my wheels, need to get stuff done. NOW! gah. i hate myself. and my life.
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[26 Jul 2008|01:16am] |
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i am so alone. and empty. -sigh-
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| proof that i'm a nerd. :D |
[03 Jul 2008|02:04am] |
The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed. Well, let's see.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ, or not, as you see fit.
1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - A. A. Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - E. B. White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
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[06 May 2008|09:31pm] |
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i think androgeny is hawt. does this make me gay? or bi? *lol*
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| everyday... |
[05 May 2008|11:32pm] |
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...i lose more and more faith in humanity... pretty soon i won't have any left.
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[13 Apr 2008|12:58am] |
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i fucking hate geocities page builder~!!~#~@#!~@$! gar fucking damnit! it won't let me fix my poetry page that it fucked up... and i don't know enough html not to use the fucking page builder... i am so pissed off!
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| i wish i could write as well as i emote. |
[13 Apr 2008|12:16am] |
it's not pretty.
the art of being raw
splender of humanity
sensitivity in the wake of salivating jaws
grasping for something more
you come up with only empty air
and yet that's more than anyone can ask for
the breath to make it away from here
anywhere but this place
that i have saturated with my hollow glaze
temper this cold heat
recalibrate what this fever means to you
if it means anything at all
make sure i can escape
from this self-imposed cage
you trapped me like some rare specimen
and then showed me as much attention
as a crowd in a zoo would give
to a creature they've seen a thousand times before
i'm no peacock, and you're no prince in disguise
i won't condescend to your level
so don't worry about retribution
this sort of emotion is retroactive in cost
so i'll remit my heart post haste
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[07 Mar 2008|06:49pm] |
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grr... my stupid ac adapter for my laptop broke on me... ordered a new one but it prolly won't get here 'til monday... so i am computerless for the weekend... i don't know how i'm gonna survive... i can't get any work done... or entertain myself with my usual internet related sheningans... this really sucks... and underlines how dependent i am on my laptop...
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| update! |
[01 Mar 2008|05:23pm] |
big news!!!!
so apparently, the lab i loved has funds for me!!! i can join it! there are still other concerns, but it is the only lab i've really loved thus far and my options for lab is running low... i'm thinking of just joining the lab... i still have to talk to the PI to confirm and see what she's expecting of me and if she even wants to take me on... but i really get along with the ppl in the lab and i love the research... so we'll see...
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| avoidance. |
[21 Feb 2008|11:03am] |
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avoiding reality is not making it go away. in my usual slacker style, i try to ignore things, set them aside... but they're always at the back of my mind, torturing me... instead of just getting stuff done and squared away so they don't have to haunt me day to day, i let them linger... maybe i'm just that sorta of procrastinating masochist... i dunno... if i understood my modus operandi i could have worked to change it by now... change doesn't seem forthcoming... i have been so depressed, just lying in bed for hours on end avoiding the world in general. :( hopefully it gets better soon... i need to refocus and find my purpose yet again... i finished a great new book, on a happier note... it's called "name of the wind" and it's a start to a fabulous series... i can't wait for the next book... it's the sort of book you just devour but as the book comes to it's end, you just want to savor it and hope it never ends... that's the sorta book i love to get my hands on and wrap my mind around... i originally picked it up cos rob hobb gave it a rave review... if you're into scifi/fantasy, check it out...
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