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numb. [Sep. 28th, 2009|02:13 am]
i feel utterly alone, utterly defeated. where do i go from here? i'm really not living at all anymore. no friends. no life. no occupation. i waste the hours, minutes, seconds. sigh. i've got no plan. i hate seeing fam i haven't seen in ages. i hate the inevitable 'what are you doing now? where are you working?'... i plan to avoid all familial engagements this holiday season. we'll see how that works out. i haven't heard from D in a long time. over 3 weeks now. i think he's off the grid, packing things up and getting ready to return to cali. sigh. i don't have high hopes of seeing him when he gets back. i don't know wot this means for our supposed relationship. all i know is that i miss him terribly and somehow feel like i should be preparing myself to let him go. though i really don't want to. if he broke it off with me, i wouldn't be surprised. who wants to date such a loser? esplly one who hates herself so much. i am more dead than alive.