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i have to block out thoughts of you so i don't lose my head... - for the record... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
lushmunkylove

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i have to block out thoughts of you so i don't lose my head... [Dec. 9th, 2011|09:51 pm]
lushmunkylove
i had a really rough thursday... i couldn't sleep the previous night... stayed up all night... then in the morning i just got this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and loneliness... i started crying and i couldn't stop... and the old depressive, self destructive thoughts cycling in my head... that no one cares anyway... that i'm an idiot... a loser with no life and no friends... and it wouldn't get any better... that i'd always be this alone... i just didn't know who to turn to... so i messaged some old friends i used to be close to but that i'd shut out of my life... and they were there to support me even if i hadn't talked to them in ages, even if i hadn't inquired abt their lives in ages... depression is such an evil disease... it's insidious.. before you know it, it keeps you from interacting with anyone... i can't even leave my room to talk to my housemate about it... i know she'd listen and care and give me good advice... i just don't wanna feel judged... and i know i will feel that way if i opened up to her.... but whatever... i'm over that now... feel like depression makes me isolate myself and not care about the things i usually do... and it's even worse cos i stop caring about ppl i love and care for... and they feel like i don't care... and it makes me even more alone... it's a vicious cycle... i know the warning signs.. i know i've been slipping into depression for months now... but the last straw was when i didn't meet up with my aunt when she came to the island for a weekend... then i know something's really wrong... i guess i can't fake it anymore... can't lie to myself anymore... that i can fix it on my own... i've been in denial for the past few months... it feels good to reach out for help... but at the same time i wonder how much it'll really help... and if the therapist will want me to go on antidepressants... my old doc asked me if i wanted to try it... and i made the mistake of telling my fam... that made for a horrible thanksgiving... and xmas... they were all against it cos they thought it'd make me suicidal... and my mom announced it to the entire holiday party (family friends included) that i was going on antidep... so i guess last holiday sucked for me... and here i am depressing over the fact that i can't go home for the holidays... lol...
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