i have to block out thoughts of you so i don't lose my head...

i had a really rough thursday... i couldn't sleep the previous night... stayed up all night... then in the morning i just got this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and loneliness... i started crying and i couldn't stop... and the old depressive, self destructive thoughts cycling in my head... that no one cares anyway... that i'm an idiot... a loser with no life and no friends... and it wouldn't get any better... that i'd always be this alone... i just didn't know who to turn to... so i messaged some old friends i used to be close to but that i'd shut out of my life... and they were there to support me even if i hadn't talked to them in ages, even if i hadn't inquired abt their lives in ages... depression is such an evil disease... it's insidious.. before you know it, it keeps you from interacting with anyone... i can't even leave my room to talk to my housemate about it... i know she'd listen and care and give me good advice... i just don't wanna feel judged... and i know i will feel that way if i opened up to her.... but whatever... i'm over that now... feel like depression makes me isolate myself and not care about the things i usually do... and it's even worse cos i stop caring about ppl i love and care for... and they feel like i don't care... and it makes me even more alone... it's a vicious cycle... i know the warning signs.. i know i've been slipping into depression for months now... but the last straw was when i didn't meet up with my aunt when she came to the island for a weekend... then i know something's really wrong... i guess i can't fake it anymore... can't lie to myself anymore... that i can fix it on my own... i've been in denial for the past few months... it feels good to reach out for help... but at the same time i wonder how much it'll really help... and if the therapist will want me to go on antidepressants... my old doc asked me if i wanted to try it... and i made the mistake of telling my fam... that made for a horrible thanksgiving... and xmas... they were all against it cos they thought it'd make me suicidal... and my mom announced it to the entire holiday party (family friends included) that i was going on antidep... so i guess last holiday sucked for me... and here i am depressing over the fact that i can't go home for the holidays... lol...


it's being ages. i've become a slave for burger king. lol. at least i have a job. recently moved away from home yet again. moved to oahu for more social opps. hasn't rlly worked out. still miserable and alone. but at least my work situation is better. i still need to find a better job, go back to school. do something. be someone. holidays are gonna b rough without my relos. i have a functional family unit. how crazy is that?

Counting my blessings...

Today I went to the beach, got some tan time in. Being able to drive to the beach anytime I want is a freedom I haven't known very long. I began to count my numerous blessings. Just last year, I had no job, no car, not even my own place. I started at negative numbers back in Hawaii but I have come so far. I am grateful for all I have earned and all I have been given. I have so much love in my life now. and i just met a special someone. it's such a delicious new thing, i don't want to jinx it. but if it does go through, like i have a feeling it will, then this might be my first serious relationship. this might be the real thing i've waited for so long. i can feel it in my bones that it is. i finally met someone who gets me and it's so effortless. before i always struggled to feel any sort of connection. i just thought it's something that grows as you get to know someone. but with this person, it was a connection right off the bat. like wow, i get u, u get me. done deal. maybe cos it's a lady. and i can trust and love women in ways i could never trust and love a man. it's just the way i've been hardwired. the only doubts i have come from within. my own insecurities. maybe i can't satisfy her in all the ways i could a man. maybe i won't learn how to. maybe i won't be able to. i'm silly that way. but she's so wonderful about all my insecurities and she tells me everyday how gorgeous and loveable i am. i haven't had this in my life ever. so it feels amazing. this might be my first taste of unconditional love. and i can see why life feels dull when you don't have it in your life. but she lives on oahu and is going through a whole thing with her ex hubby. it won't dissuade me tho. i am moving there and being with her and it's going to be amazing. hehe. i'm just scared that i won't come thru. that somehow i'll be less than what she wants. or what if she's not all i think she is? i hate my overthinking. but i don't have to think twice with this one. my heart and gut is telling me this lady is very special and i need to take this chance. she's made my life so much better already. made my horrible job bearable just by her mere presence, to know that at the end of the day, i'll get to talk to her. it makes the day a breeze. hehe.

someday i'll fly, someday i'll soar... someday i'll be so damned much more...

sometimes it feels like having a half functioning brain is the biggest impediment to my happienss... am i just overthinking it? overfeeling it? probably... but i feel so alone in my capacity to feel and think so much... if i was less thoughtful, would i be less melancholy? easier to just find someone and settle? at times i feel like just settling... i've decided to not be so picky, to go for guys i wouldn't have given a second glance... go for the guys that seem to know how to treat a lady, would know how to treat me and appreciate everything i am... why does that feel like settling? the newest guy i'm dating doesn't seem to be able to stimulate me mentally... am i just being overly critical again? i don't know... i don't know if this'll work out... mostly i just want someone to help support me through this transitional state... of building myself back up and getting back out there on my own.. i am far more independent than a lot of ppl... yet i am used to a degree of independence that most ppl on this island never get... never really want... my friends have good intentions but they don't realize the caliber of guy i need to keep me in tuned, to keep me interested, to make me want to take that chance with a guy... i'm making friends of a different caliber working at a fast food joint... but i take it as a work in progress...


i feel utterly alone, utterly defeated. where do i go from here? i'm really not living at all anymore. no friends. no life. no occupation. i waste the hours, minutes, seconds. sigh. i've got no plan. i hate seeing fam i haven't seen in ages. i hate the inevitable 'what are you doing now? where are you working?'... i plan to avoid all familial engagements this holiday season. we'll see how that works out. i haven't heard from D in a long time. over 3 weeks now. i think he's off the grid, packing things up and getting ready to return to cali. sigh. i don't have high hopes of seeing him when he gets back. i don't know wot this means for our supposed relationship. all i know is that i miss him terribly and somehow feel like i should be preparing myself to let him go. though i really don't want to. if he broke it off with me, i wouldn't be surprised. who wants to date such a loser? esplly one who hates herself so much. i am more dead than alive.

either way, i'll break your heart someday...

isolation to decay
whispered static delay
how human can i be?
to fuck it all up for just me.
guilty conscience to subdue.
the teeming masses, multitude.
lone soul in a crowd
could never scream that loud
to comprehend this lonely emotion
inundation of the singular devotion
ocean tides ebb and wane
default, decay, replicate
all is lost, but nothing gained.

(no subject)

i keep having recurring nightmares of a house... it's no house i've ever lived in... but every time i have a bad dream, it takes place in this house... this last nightmare involved trying to get away from this abusive man... it was somewhat bloody and mostly frightening... i think the abusive man represented my dad... and i think my sis and bro were there... :S hopefully i won't have any more dreams of this nature...